Updated: Aug 18, 2019
So, you were right.
Cardi B makes great fckn music.
I know I originally said that Bodak Yellow was annoying, but she released an album in April that I’ve been blasting around the house ever since. The one thing I promise I’ll continue, is blasting rap music around the house at all hours of the day.
Oh! And I found my purple converse hiding in a bin in the basement. You know the ones, the ones you were looking to borrow and I got so angry and said that I had thrown them out. I keep them tucked in my closet now, still two sizes too small for me, but I can’t get myself to throw out (even with Marie Kondo’s best efforts).
I wear your clothes often, still feeling like I’m sneaking around your bedroom and at any moment you’ll walk through the door and catch me taking stuff without asking. I’ve stolen all of your best ankles socks, and your winter coat keeps me warm on my walk to work.
It’s hard to believe it’s been over 1 year now since you died by suicide.
I sat there for 10 minutes after typing that, just to give myself time to breathe. I’ve actually only said that out loud to 2 people, other than in counselling where I can barely get the words out anyways. I go on first dates and talk about my family, often keeping you alive in my stories until the questions get harder and harder to pretend. I usually come clean when the question comes to your age - how can I have an older sister who is 23 when I’m 23 too?
I can still feel happy, even if I am sad without you. I maintain my energetic and goofy self, dancing around and making stupid jokes whenever I can, but being that version of myself around everyone leaves barely any left for when I’m at home with our family.
Sometimes I think that maybe after I went back to work in May, I was depressed. I felt like someone had painted the sky and my surroundings grey, my arms and legs attached to strings that pulled me out of bed everything morning, ignoring text messages for no reason and coming up with excuses to bail on plans. Is that what depression is like?
In groups, I’m often nervous about what might be brought up in conversations. When the second season of 13 Reasons Why airs, will people want to debate the show while at a cottage weekend? At lunch, will a co-worker mimic a noose around their neck when describing how Kate Spade took her life? The answer is yes.
I actually really don’t like to talk about your death to anyone, even though I did start a company that’s all about making it loud. I recognize that it’s not a simple ask. The idea of talking about you through noise, makes me feel so anxious, as if I found out your secret and I’m turning my back and sharing it with the world. So in still maintaining your privacy, I hope to use noise as a way to share my version, of your story.
Since starting noise with Negin, it honestly hasn’t been easy. I often feel like I’m not doing enough for the people that have chosen to support us, and it can be overwhelming. What has been positive and encouraging is seeing people share our messages and participate with us online and in the events we have been able to host. That’s what brightens my mood and keeps me inspired. Because even if they may be doing it for me, for noise, or for someone else… I’m doing it for you.