Updated: Aug 18, 2019
I thought this would be easier.
All I had to do was sit down at my computer and share my story, share who I am. I sat looking at a blank screen for hours, constantly typing something down, and then erasing it. I kept doing this because I didn’t think it was good enough to include in this story. Or that you, the reader of this, would think it was stupid and laugh. Then I remembered that those thoughts were a part of who I am, and a part of how I got here today.
I always second guessed my decisions based on what other people thought of me, or would think of me. I lived in constant fear of humiliation, rejection, never being good enough for everyone. I would do just about anything to fit in, be considered cool, to be liked by people. It cost me friendships, relationships, and a lot of stressful overthinking.
The one thing I liked doing for people was helping them with their problems. I liked being the person they would talk too. It made me feel good because I was helping my friends. It also made me feel stronger because I never talked about my feelings, emotions, and problems. I never wanted to be a burden on any of my friends or even my family. I feared they would consider me weak or pathetic.
All of my personal struggles, overthinking issues, anxiety attacks, mental battles, and overall problems I bottled inside. Year after year. I knew that one day it would all blow up in my face, but I would rather keep it all to myself than be considered vulnerable and weak.
September 28th 2018, is a day I’ll never forget.
Three deaths in my life, a major job loss, and personal struggles had defined my 2018 thus far. I felt I was so close to my rock bottom. I felt like I was a complete failure at everything, and to everyone. I felt so empty and low.
I started drinking more to feel better. I wanted to be alone more. I bottled in every emotion, every thought, every feeling. The people that were closest to me would try and help, but I wouldn’t let them. I felt like I was a lost cause to everyone, that no one but myself could help me. I put so much pressure on myself to get better, feel happier. I felt as though I had no future. September 28th 2018 was the day I broke down.
Everything I had bottled up I could not handle anymore.
I cried on my kitchen floor for hours.
I added a new scar on my wrist for the first time in years thinking it would help my pain.
The only words I could get out of me were I Need Help.
The last three months of 2018 were spent in counselling. I wanted to change everything about who I was. I wanted to come out of my sessions, a completely different person. My counsellor helped me realize that everything I had done, and everything about who I am, brought me to today. I had to accept who I am and be happy with who I am before more progress occurred.
I worked on being able to move on from my past demons, and focusing more on my future. I worked on making myself happy without fear. I worked on opening myself up more to others, and being vulnerable by sharing with those close to me. I worked on what makes me feel happy and going out and doing those things. I poured everything I had left into those sessions every week.
Now, I am a better version of myself.
I feel more comfortable with sharing things and talking more. I feel a lot better about who I am and about my future. I rediscovered things that make me happy, like reading and travelling. I feel closer to the friends and family that haven`t left or given up on me.
I feel a lot more comfortable sharing this story, my story, with you.